Sending Old Men To War

A fellow subscriber sent this to me and I
thought I should share because we can all
use a good chuckle once in awhile.

Sending Old Men To War

If I could, I'd enlist today and help my country
track down those responsible for killing thousands
of innocent people in New York City and Washington,
DC But, I'm over 50 now and the Armed Forces say
I'm too old to track down terrorists. You can't be
older than 35 to join the military.


They've got the whole thing backwards. Instead of
sending 18-year-olds off to fight, they ought to
take us old guys.

You shouldn't be able to join until you're at least
35. For starters:

Researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every
10 seconds. Old guys only think about sex a couple
of times a day, leaving us more that 28,000
additional seconds per day to concentrate on the
enemy.

Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky,
and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. If
we can't kill the enemy we'll complain them into
submission. "My back hurts!" "I'm hungry!"
"Where's the remote control?"

An 18-year-old hasn't had a legal beer yet and you
shouldn't go to war until you're at least old
enough to legally drink. An average old guy, on
the other hand, has consumed 126,000 gallons of
beer by the time he's 35 and a jaunt through the
desert heat with a backpack and M-60 would do
wonders for the old beer belly.

An 18-year-old doesn't like to get up before 10
a.m. Old guys get up early every morning to pee.

If old guys are captured we couldn't spill the
beans because we'd probably forget where we put
them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would
be a real brainteaser.

Boot camp would actually be easier for old guys.
We're used to getting screamed and yelled at and
we actually like soft food. We've also developed
a deep appreciation for guns and rifles. We like
them almost better than naps.

They could lighten up on the obstacle course
however. I've been in combat and didn't see a
single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the
side, nor did I ever do any pushups after
completing basic training. I can hear the Drill
Sergeant now, "Get down and give me...er...one."

And the running part is kind of a waste of energy.
I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet.

An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him.
He's still learning to shave, to actually carry on
a conversation, and to wear pants without the top
of his butt crack showing and his boxer shorts
sticking out. He's still hasn't figured out that
a pierced tongue catches food particles, and that
a 400-watt speaker in the back seat of a Honda
Accord can rupture an eardrum. All great reasons
to keep our sons at home to learn a little more
about life before sending them off to possible
death.

Let us old guys track down those dirty rotten
cowards who attacked our hearts on September 11.
The last thing the enemy would want to see right
now is a couple of million old farts with
attitudes.

Share this with your senior friends (It's
purposely in big type for us old guys...)

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Thanks Joe for sending this in.

To Your Success,
Susan Carroll
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